I am finding it difficult to push myself to do anything. I don't know if I have given up on illustration, graphic design, or if I am just at a place that needs figuring out. I do now know what that means. Honestly where I am at now I don't really care if I do figure it out. That is the problem.

I have just finished school. I have a BFA in Graphic Design. The talent and potential is there, or so I have been told, but no offers. The economy is in the can I know this, it certainly does not help. I am in limbo. Since the top talents have been fired from staffing firms and Fortune 500 companies here in the greater Seattle area, they (top talents), have polluted my chances in getting anywhere right now. It is not their fault, its the economy and it is mine. When I look back at the last 3 yrs of my life I wasted not trying hard enough. I sailed through school with a sense of arrogance and status (dont know about that). I went to a school full of crappy artist and people who had no sense of direction and thought art would pay their way through life. Not to make things any better but the school was a piece of shit as well. I think that is why I sailed through school easily and was not challenged much at all.

The biggest regret was not picking the right school. Now that it is over I blame myself, my school, and my colleagues. I should have known better. That is besides the point now. The blame should be all on me. I should have taken advantage of the crappy school and pushed myself even harder. There were no expectations in class because it was filled with the least talented people in the world. I managed to make friends with the only people who had potential and motivation. Not to be elitist but I recognized who had purpose and made friends. If it wasn't for them I think I would of dropped out due to boredom and bullshit. The friends I have from school are in the same mess I am.

The latter half of my schooling is when I think I lost interest in art. I never really explored it enough in high school. It was more of a hobby than a talent or so I treated it that way. Not until I was in Washington that I decided to do something. I just decided the wrong thing. Scratch that, the wrong direction, more importantly the wrong school.

I have to make amends and work with what I got. Only thing now is to move forward. The hardest thing is the realization that I fucked up my direction and have to spend the next few years fixing it. I will take what I can get. It is hard to find courage to move on and move forward. That is the only direction I need to be heading. Working on my portfolio reminds me of how much harder I have to work. My portfolio is not bad but it reminds me of what I did wrong. Currently I am updating it and developing my portfolio site which should be up hopefully at the end of the month.

WISH ME LUCK AND CHEERS!